Anti-American Movement at SpecOps -
Covert Actions Denied by Officials

WASHINGTON- Sources close to FBI have confirmed the existence of a top secret document purportedly from the British government entity known as SpecOps. This damning document shows evidence of anti-American activites being carried out by several departments within the wide scope of the agency. Three departments in particular - Literary Detectives (SO-27), the Entertaiments Facilitation Department (SO-33) and the Office for Special Temporal Stability (SO-12 also known as the "Chronoguard")

SpecOps senior spokesman, Reginald Dwight denies allegations of an anti-American movement

are charged with the majority of the operation. The Literary Detectives - working with a probable "mole" inside JurisFiction - would allegedly work to re-write many of the American classics of literature to reflect a more British approach. The Chronoguard would be in charge of historical revision, traveling back in time to change pivotal moments in the American timeline. Efforts to implement this so-called "Cultural Imperialism Initiative" have apparently met with limited sucess.

In a special press conference Tuesday, National Security and Diplomatic Department (SpecOps -6) senior spokesman, Reginald Dwight, emphatically denied the report that covert operations had been occuring for decades and stated that British and American relations had never been better. He also denied the alleged initiative came directly from the top governing body of SpecOps. "We have no reason to attempt any of these dastardly actions against our friend and ally, the United States. We've always had an honest and open relationship." Dwight, not realizing his microphone was still live, was then overheard scoffing to an assistant, "Blimey! What [expletive deleted, expletive deleted] bollocks!!" Officials quickly whisked Dwight away with cries of "No Comment!" amid the uproar coming from the press. No other official word has come from SpecOps.

American officials are obviously up in arms and calling for a full investigation. British Authorities say they will comply. The US government will also be launching its own inquiry. The President has declined comment until more facts have been uncovered.

Whatever Next has obtained exclusive rights to a copy of the three-page SpecOps document. Warning: Content may be highly disturbing to some readers.

SPECOPS 1 EYES ONLY HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL subject: CULTURAL IMPERIALISM INITIATIVE It has long been a source of distress to SpecOps that English culture and history is being constantly undermined by US imports. There have been many books and films eminating from the U.S.A. which belittle, decry or even deny British roles in history, and far too many in which Britons are portrayed as villains, incompetents, or, worse, comic Cockneys, and England is depicted as a quaint olde-worlde place far behind modernity. It is time to fight back. We have therefore devised a covert operation, the Cultural Imperialism Initiative, to reclaim our rightful place in history and culture, and at the same time let these Yanks know how it feels to be snubbed, demonised, and patronised. In partnership with certain elements within the ChronoGuard, the Entertaiments Facilitation Department, and the LiteraTecs, as well as our moles inside JurisFiction, therefore, we propose to infiltrate history, literature, and cinema with a view to redressing the balance and exacting a modicum of revenge. The following projects are envisaged: 1. UNAMERICANING LITERATURE This project, undertaken by certain sympathetic elements within JurisFiction, aims to replace seminal American texts and characters with English versions. Trials have been undertaken, and some examples are given below. extract from revised Huckleberry Finn; "I say, James, this is rather jolly boating weather, isn't it?" I cried gaily. "I should say so, Master Huckleberry! Do let me know when we pass Cairo, won't you?" "Certainly will, old bean. Care for a spot of tiffin with your watermelon?" "Rather!" extract from Little Women; "Children, I have some news for you. I've had more than enough of this silly war; your father has deserted from his regiment, and we are all going to run away to England." "Oh, goody," Meg cried, clapping her hands, "at last we'll get a decent cup of tea!" "Indeed. And one other thing; the next one who calls me 'Marmee' gets a slap round the head. It's 'Mother', and don't you forget it." extract from revised Leaves of Grass, by Walt Whitman; O America! Large, broad, enfolding millions in your bosom! It's all right, but It isn't half as nice as Wiltshire. extract from revised Journal of Thoreau; On second thoughts, Walden Pond seems a trifle damp, and not at all handy for the shops. I think, on mature reflection, I shall stay at a small hotel in Torquay instead.

PAGE 2 extract from revised Catch-22; "Wizard prang," said Yossarian. "Top hole. Bally Jerry pranged his kite right in the how's your father. Hairy blighter, dicky-birdied, feathered back on his Sammy, took a waspy, flipped over on his Betty Harper's and caught his can in the Bertie." "Spiffing!" said Major Major. "Ready for another tour of ops, old man?" "I should say so, sir!" "Right-oh." We estimate that this programme, following the excallent work already done by Agent Henry James, should have the American literary establishment thoroughly demoralised and on its knees within six months. 2. HISTORICAL REVISION The ChronoGuard have been hard at work, and the following projects are already underway: Iwo Jima; a Union Jack has been placed on the summit a good ten minutes before the U.S. Marines arrive. A similar operation is planned for the Sea of Tranquillity. Lewis & Clark; on arrival at the Pacific shore, the explorers are to be greeted by a fully functional copy of a typical English village, and will be offered a cream tea, with scones. When they ask how the inhabitants got there first, the answer will be 'on the 8.15 from Paddington'. Boston Tea Party; the tea is to be secreted in warehouses before the rebels arrive, leaving them with nothing to throw in the water but Oreos, hominy grits, and a consignment of Kentucky Fried Chicken. (Note to agents; on no account attempt to eat the latter). Other items include dressing Davy Crockett up as a Pearly Queen, having Wild Bill Hickock out-shot by a snotty little English kid with a catapult, Abe Lincoln interrupted by a crowd of noisy British holidaymakers halfway through the Gettysburg address, and some slight revision to FDR's speeches ("We have nothing to fear except fear itself. And big hairy spiders."). 3. POPULAR CULTURE There are many possible avenues for attack here, and some of the possibilities are outlined below: - Superman, instead of donning some strangge long underwear, would come out of the telephone box wearing a double-breasted suit, a bowler hat, and carrying an umbrella, a briefcase, and a rolled-up Times. - The Singin' in the Rain sequence in the film of that name will be replaced by a demonstration of Morris dancing, in which Gene Kelly will wear a silly suit covered in little jingly bells. - George Gershwin will be exchanged for W..S. Gilbert, Duke Ellington for Acker Bilk, Seinfeld for Jim Davidson, and Andy Warhol for Tracy Emin.

PAGE 3 popular culture, continued: - This year's Super Bowl half-time show will consist of Miss Lesley Garret singing 'Rule Britannia', followed by the Saddleworth Clog Dancers performing an excerpt from 'H.M.S. Pinafore'. - The cast of the film 'Casablanca' will bbe replaced by the cast of 'Coronation Street'. ("Ee, that were a nice tune, Sam. By 'eck, play it again."). - Babe Ruth, Joe di Maggio, Mickey Mantle,, Jackie Robinson and Ty Cobb will play nothing but cricket. Similarly, Joe Montana will turn out at scrum-half for Featherstone Rovers Rugby League club, and Michael Jordan will play centre-forward for the Arsenal. We did consider replacing typical U.S. food with their typical British equivalents, but found that in most cases this would have resulted in an improvement (especially in regard to beer). 4. COVERT OPERATIONS Finally, we have a number of schemes which, while having no overt British content, are calculated to depress American morale and make them more susceptible to our propaganda. The plans mooted so far are; Prohibition Watergate Professional wrestling Disney Diet Coke The Ford Edsel There was a rather wild scheme for replacing the President with a chimpanzee, but this has been deemed to have been overtaken by events. 5. IN THE LAST RESORT If none of the above has the desired effect, we are prepared to use the ultimate deterrent. The U.S.A. will cease to be a republic, and will have a British monarchy restored; if necessary the position of King of America will be filled by Prince Charles, a move calculated to have the Yankees screaming for mercy in a matter of hours. We realise this may seem like a cruel and inhumane course of action, but we urge all operatives to steel themselves, and remember Dick van Dyke.