October, 2004

Dear WN -
The Advice Column for Fictional Characters

Count Me Out!

Dear WN,
I'm ved up of being in a horror story and I've decided zat I vant to settle down and have a vamily. Scaring people vitless and vinning Bookies just isn't enough vor me anymore. I've thought about asking to be killed ov, but ze problem iz I'm already dead. How do I get out ov zis genre and start a vresh?

~ Count Dracula - Transylvania

Dear Count,
Switching genres is no easy feat. Not only is there a ton of red tape, but you must think of all the fans you'll be disappointing! You are an icon of evil. Revel in that.

However, if you still feel a need for a change - and you've already taken part in the Character Exchange Programme, you can apply to the Council of Genres on the 26th floor of the Great Library. There you must talk to your current genre representative, attend a series of cross-genre councelling sessions, and fill out the necessary exit paperwork. Then you must find a sponsor in the new genre into which you'd like to be placed. Once you have a sponsor, you will need to apply to that genre and if accepted, you'll probably be put on a waiting list and may remain there for decades until an appropriate story opens up. Once placed, you may not go in as a main character, so you need to be prepared for that possibility.

Before you make your final decision, I would recommend a great book: Literary Evilness for Dummies: A No-Hassle Guide™ For Characters Up To No Good.. It just might help you come to terms with your storyline!

Death Becomes Her

Dear WN,
My job (relative & occasional assistant of Death) makes it hard for me to find a serious non-supernatural job. I have previously been a governess, but my family commitments forced me to give up the one job I enjoyed. What shall I do?

~Susan Sto Helit - Ankh-Morpork

Dear Susan,
Well, being related to Death can't be easy. I guess we all have our burdens to bear. However, perhaps there is a happy medium. There's a new method of finding a meaningful trade these days called Co-Op Employment. It's a way two or more co-workers can share one job whilst still maintaining their outside lives. The benefits usually suck (read that as there aren't any) and there's not much chance of advancement. But hey, it's a paycheck, right? And this way you could still have a fulfilling career and keep your family duties in check. It's win-win!

To give Co-Opping a whirl, contact your local guild master and they should be able to hook you up with someone to share the load. Oh, one note of warning...just because you won't be working full-time, don't expect your guild dues to decrease. Some guilds charge you more for the extra paperwork!

Thanks For Noticing

Dear WN,
Life's terrible. I was recently replaced as host of the 923rd Annual BookWorld Awards™. They claimed it was a copyright issue. I think they just don't like me. The new MC didn't even have a name. I don't know why I bother to live. Why am I writing this? It's not like anyone's going to read it.

~Eeyore - Hundred Acre Wood.

PS It's lucky I keep my positive attitude on life.

Well, Eeyore, it looks like you have two options. You can sit and wallow in your self-pity or you can do something about it! While I generally don't condone trivial litigation, this is one case where you may have a leg (or 4) to stand on. Get your lawyer to make The Bookies™ produce the documents about the copyright issue. And if you cancelled other paying gigs to be the host, The Bookies™ might be in breech of contract and you just may be due a good chunk of compensation*. And then there's the pain and suffering...oh yes, the suffering...